This Chapter of Life Isn’t Ready For Me.

Nothing like learning more about yourself.

It’s been a while, I’ll admit. Besides working myself to death, I’ve just been distracted. What a crazy few weeks for me.

Paul 2.0

Who is he? No, he is not the Paul I have written so much about, but a new man that came into my life. We called him 2.0 because he was the Paul that wanted me, unlike the first one.

…and yet he wasn’t enough.

I was smitten by him. I had shared all my demons with him, my worries and my walls were torn down. He got me in many ways. He’s a gentle soul, an old soul, and so caring. But he lacked so much, for me.

He didn’t have many goals to be honest. He called it simplistic, I call it mediocre. To each their own, by all means, but I need my partner to want more. He is just not as driven about his job, making money or working to make his future a reality. But this was something I was willing to try and look past.

The problem, is I couldn’t shake this feeling about him. I liked him a lot, I cared about him, and yet there was a hesitation in my gut when I was around him. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew it wasn’t good. He told me he loved me barely 3 weeks into knowing me…and it freaked me out. In my mind, no one in their right mind loves someone that fast. I don’t feel he saw me as a whole yet, and that it was more infatuation than anything else. But this caused me to keep cross analyzing my feelings for him, as if I should feel the same for him. I thought a lot about the possibility of being in love with the idea of being in a relationship, not being with him specifically. That is what I did with my marriage, and I never want to do that again. Granted, it felt so good to be with him – until I wanted him gone. I’m not ready for a boyfriend that wants to spend the night, see me all the time and be a big part of my life. I need them to become my friend, before I can ever love them. I need my space, because I JUST got this freedom. I’m not ready to give up all the things I once thought I hated. It’s amazing how the brain and heart can be so disconnected, and it takes a lot of fucking up to realize it.

My head tells me I want a relationship, that I am unhappy without that companionship; my head has an entire outline of when I want to remarry, have children, etc. But the moment I put myself in that place that my head thinks I need to be, I want to vomit. I love my freedom to do what I will, and to not have an obligation to someone, to spend time with someone. I would rather work a lot, make lots of money and focus on me. I don’t want to compromise any piece of finding myself, creating who I want to be and enjoying that journey by being with someone. Whoever I decide to be with, they will not make me feel tied down but lifted up by their love. I need a man that can handle every bit of this crazy driven woman. I need him to push me, to argue with me, to stand his own in our relationship. I’ll be a rock, but I won’t direct your show. I’m too much of a powerhouse to not be appreciated for it.

So that being said, even though part of me did not want to, I broke up with 2.0. It wasn’t fair to be with him feeling so on the fence, and just like deja vu I didn’t know why I needed to end it, but I just knew I did. It was the exact same gut feeling I had when I left my marriage. And I don’t regret it, because I am at peace again.

I’ve become so good at being alone, that I am fearless. The idea of possibly growing old alone, it doesn’t scare me much anymore. I’ve accepted that my heart may not be ready to commit for many years to come, and that’s okay. I would rather be alone, and enjoy my experiences as a single woman than be with someone just because it sounds right in my head. I’ll take my chances at ending up alone, because I doubt I will regret never settling for less.

On another note, original Paul is no more. Because of my newfound resistance to being with a man, I have found I don’t desire him anymore. I wanted someone I loved so badly, but now…love means nothing because I don’t want it. I feel so liberated, so free from my anxiety and fears. I can live to my fullest potential now.

Thank you, Paul 2.0. You taught me something I might have never realized had it not been for you.

XOXO

My Love Will Never Relieve You Of Your Demons.

I am only human.

My dearest Paul…what is there to say. I am giving up.

My sisters drug of choice was almost always Xanax. It was the drug that made her forget a lot, made her violent, nasty and seem comatose. She couldn’t function on them. I have very terrible memories of her when she would take them. It was one of the drugs found in her toxicology screen after she died.

Xanax is not usually his drug of choice. I know he and Xanax have a long history together, but for the most part he has stuck to opiates and the occasional Adderoll for the duration of our friendship. But lately, it has been Xanax. I have to say with each encounter of Xanax Paul, a piece of my love for him chips away.

I am finding myself feeling the way I felt towards my sister. For a long time, I resented her and everything her addiction affected. I wished she would just die already. I locked myself in my room, afraid to encounter her in my own house. I was angry for how much I had been hurt, and how she could do this to her family. I was 16-17 when the grunt of her addiction took a toll on me. She died by the time I was 19.

I helped him babysit tonight, and I quickly realized what he had taken. I was furious. Lately I have had a soft spot for kids, and have enjoyed them. I have struggled with my own drug issues on and off, and being around those kids and my best friends very new baby, it’s a high no drug can provide. When I met my friends baby the night she was born, barely 6 hours old, I was smitten. I for weeks had worried about my dependence to marijuana and occasional pill use, until that moment. I had my answer; I know that kids will be enough to quit when the time comes. I have not wanted to smoke as much, just because I am slowly seeing the beauty of sobriety. Anyway, I enjoy them and do not want to be fucked up around them. He was slowly getting more fucked up the entire time and it made my skin crawl. I agreed to hang out at his house after, and by that point he could barely stay conscious. I mostly tried to hang out to express my anger to him. I instead talked to his sister, who witnessed his very drug induced state. It kills me to know she has the same stance I had about Katie, although not resentful. She said, “it will suck if he dies, but ultimately he has to want to change and maybe this is what he wants”. She has her own set of depression issues, and can relate to his need to just never be sober enough to think. It’s sad because I know she will hurt the way I did if Paul dies.

I question my friendship to Paul a lot these days. He is an amazing person when he isn’t completely fucked up. I don’t know if I have ever met a totally sober Paul, but I have met many real sides of him. I love him, so much. I have talked a lot about moving past him, and I have. I never stopped loving him, but I moved on. I have told myself there is no future with him, and I am really believing it. I could never be with someone that rudely reminds me of my sister at her worst. I cannot be with someone that can’t even find a reason to be sober around amazing kids. I cannot be with someone with no will to really live, and no drive to be better. I don’t like the feeling of being around a liability, and being around someone that isn’t actually present because of all the drugs in his body. I will always love him, and want more for him, and always have this image in my head of him being an amazing husband and father to someone, but I don’t believe it is real anymore. I am finding myself doing something I never did with Katie, and that is preparing for him to die.

It was never a real thought that Katie would die to drugs. You never think that is real. She died in her sleep with a mix of Xanax, Morphine, Zoloft and I believe either an opiate or a sleeping medication. The mix of them, along with her already suppressed breathing from her cystic fibrosis, made her stop breathing. I once took a Hydrocodone and Ambien without thinking, and I was very concerned about actually waking up. It gives you this very weird sensation of not breathing, because it does suppress your ability to breathe. A lot of overdoses cause this. Paul takes what I could absolutely qualify as potentially lethal doses. Between the Oxy and the Xanax…I am terrified I will come to work and find out he died in his sleep. Katie was 29 when she died, so Paul dying at 31 is not impossible.

I never fully prepared myself for Katie’s death, because I really never thought she would die from it. Now that I know it can happen, and now that I feel powerless to help him, all I can do is pray and prepare. My world will without a doubt stop if he dies. Maybe not forever, but it will be a blow. He is my best friend, the person that makes me laugh the most, gets me as a person, listens and can handle me crying in front of him. He has been there for me so much. I have never loved a person the way I love him. He randomly kissed me on the cheek at work the other day, and I almost cried because as pathetic as it sounds, I haven’t had any such gesture from someone I actually care about in a long ass time. Even if he didn’t mean it any certain way, it tapped into my feelings for him.

My heart will break into all new pieces if I ever lose him permanently. I pray, but I also know this is beyond my control, and all I can do is pray and remember that I have done everything in my power to help him. If he gets worse, I am not sure where we will stand. I cannot watch yet another person I love die right in front of me, and I refuse to subject myself to such pain.

Please help him God, I am begging you.

XOXO

Love Letters For The Man I Will Never Stop Searching For; Number One.

To my Darling,

I have felt the intoxication of a synced soul. This person filled my lungs with such passion when he was around, when we spoke of life together. He made me re-evaluate the life I had known, the future I was so sure I wanted. He challenged me, and I loved it. I have loved my best friend, despite all his flaws, his problems and all the broken fragments I have found of him along the way. I have loved my friend that never wanted me. I pained over this for what felt like forever, a pain I had never felt thus far. My heart sang like a caged bird, wanting his love more than I wanted air. And then I realized, he taught me what I want in a man, a man that wants every bit of me.

I have felt the security of a pretty certain future with someone. He was everything I wanted on paper; He wanted kids, he loved me more than I ever loved him, and he seemed as though he would do anything for those things. He was my first, my everything. I knew from the time we started dating that I would marry him. And I did just that, feeling safe. My life wasn’t that exciting, but it wasn’t terrible – that must be better than waiting around for “the one”, right? And then I changed, slowly but surely, and he remained stagnant. Suddenly he did not seem like the man willing to work hard for his family, his wife. He looked much more like a boy with no interest in stepping up and being a man. He didn’t have to support me financially, but I needed to share this life with him. I was left with becoming the sole controller of the relationship, as if I was his mother. And then I realized, he taught me that love can’t be built on an idea, on any perfect premise; it’s felt by the heart and no challenge will detriment that love.

Somewhere between all of that, of all the soul searching and experiences I have had…that’s when I chose you.

I chose you before I ever knew you. I chose love for myself. I left a draining, lonely marriage that caused me more misery and heartache than actually leaving it. I let go of my painful yearning for my best friend because having half of something is harder than not having it at all. I no longer stand in limbo, waiting to see if he realizes how great I am. I’m here, searching for you, the man that can be my rock, partner in crime, father to my children and the love of my life. I will never settle when the idea of you drifts. Everyday alone is one more day closer to you.

I’m going to love you like no other woman has. I will be the reason it’s never worked out with anyone else. I too want to be your rock, the partner in crime, your best friend and the one you love most. I want to take on the world together, and never put more burden on only one of us. I want to lay in bed for hours wide awake because we cannot get enough of each other. I want to explore who you are, what makes you tick. I want you to feel how much I love every detail of your amazing mind, because you make my world that much more amazing.

Never stop looking for me; I will never stop.

XOXO

You have been replaced, if not topped.

My heart has been dropped in a bowl of its own blood, drowning slowly by its own life line. 
Troy. Who is Troy?
Troy is a man that has cured me of my 2 year spell of feelings for Paul. He’s what I left my ex husband for. He’s my Paul. 

Troy has a 6 year old son, he is 29 himself. He has a good job, working on getting his own place again. But what makes Troy so magnificent, is his openness. His ability to accept everything of me without hesitation. He gets my humor, he understands my job because he has waited tables as well. He makes me laugh and smile in a way I haven’t done in quite some time. 

And then he tells me “I don’t think this will work out”. 

He’s a man that has wanted me back, and he’s shown me how empty I have felt wanting Paul who clearly doesn’t want me. You don’t feel like all you’re doing is giving when it’s someone that feels the same way. He has shown me what it is to be truly open and it be okay. He resurfaces a lot of feelings I once had for Paul, that motivation to get to know someone and understand what makes them tick. That same empathy that makes me want to put their wellbeing over my own. He is the version of Paul I have wanted. 

But somehow, it won’t work. 

We had an amazing first date. We were both nervous wearing smiles when we met. He loved the bar I took him to, we had a lot of laughs and played pool. Something I couldn’t get enough of is his larger than life personality. He lights up a room when he is around. He talks to everyone and anyone. He was perfect. He is perfect. All I could think was, “that’s my Paul”. 

He’s an amazing kisser, and the sexual tension is definitely there. 

So what is wrong? 

About 2 hours after he left my house from spending the night from our first date, he texting me saying “there’s something I want you to know. Im bi”. First thing I ask is what is wrong with that? He said I wasn’t sure if you would be comfortable with it. I said im okay with it, but does he date men or is it just sexual? He says just sexual, and is basically looking for a semi open relationship where he can have a three some with a man and I guess myself on occasion. I told him I accept this part of him and I appreciate him telling me, and that I am okay with it as long as we are safe. He started texting back with very vague statements, and was seemingly getting distant. After almost an entire day of no response, he replies to my last message. I said, “I don’t know what I did but I hope you’ll talk to me. Please don’t push me away.” He says, “I know you want a reason, but all I can say is that I don’t think it’ll work out. Im sorry.” 

My mind has just reeled. 

He left his zippo lighter here, one he had told me on our date that it was special and he’s had it for 10 years. I offered for him to come get it Tuesday, cause i’m a nice person. He says around 8, so I make plans to not be there and I leave it on my stoop. I get home, and he never came. I texted him asking about the lighter, no response. Tonight at work he texts me apologizing, telling me he was in jail last night. I asked if he was okay, he said yes. He said he appreciated me holding onto his lighter since I owe him nothing, and if I was willing he would like to be friends. He also said he knows I am upset with him. I said I cannot be friends unless I know what happened between us, because I am tired of feeling like the issue. I need to know why someone says they are bi, are welcomed with warm arms and just runs away. Why we have this great connection and he runs. Why I am crazy about him and he runs. Why are you running baby?

He says he understands. He would like to discuss it in person, so we are trying to aim for Friday. 

I’ve spent every day since the day he said it won’t work crying my eyes out. I want nothing more than for him to show up and tell me he was wrong. There has to be a meaning behind this madness. I cannot be this heart broken over someone I barely know. I just know I want him, and I want a chance to love him. 
Please pray for me. I need this. I need a man like himself in my life. Pray. 

I’ll get back to you guys after Friday. 
XOXOXO

Life has a funny way of always being unpredictable.

This, this is good bye. 

I. Am. Free. 

Troy, oh Troy. He’s only this incredibly everything of a man. He’s accepting, understanding, and kind. 

My heart has been wrong before, but I think Troy is my Paul. He’s what I have hurt for 2 years for. Everything I have felt for Paul has been a learning experience, and it has prepared me for someone like Troy. 

If nothing comes of this, I am still free. I will still see that people like Paul exist, and the euphoria of being wanted back just as much is enough for me to see how draining not being wanted made me. Troy has bettered my life without meeting me in person yet. 
I hope to have an amazing story after I see him Sunday night. 

XOXO 

“What Do You Want In A Relationship?”

Homework from my therapist will be the death of me.

There’s been lots of talk about Paul in my therapy sessions, mostly because I am obviously trying to get on with my life. She asked me if I even knew what he wanted in his future in terms of a relationship…and to my own surprise I had no idea. So that was my homework.

I always try to wait for a good opportunity to ask such things, and try to do so in person if possible. I take these things to heart and its too easy to gather your thoughts without showing your reaction on the phone. So last night we are hanging out on his porch, a new favorite thing of mine because it feels so at home to just sit on a porch and laugh with a friend or two. Anyway, I throw this question at him. I wanted an answer to deter me away, to chip away at these feelings and it did the opposite. I wanted to cry as he said it all, because in a perfect world its all the things I would want ANY man to say.

“I definitely want kids, thats a must. She has to want kids, otherwise it wont work for obvious reasons. I’d like 2 or 3 because I come from a big family and I believe siblings are good for you. She should be funny, and find me funny first of course. I need to be with someone that has the same respect for people that I do, in that all people are equal and be able to respect people and who they are.” And then he says, “Ya know theres a lot of people that give you the ‘oh, marriage…pfft’ thing but that wont be me. I can’t be the douche that fucks every girl I see. When I am married, I’m going to be like yeah! Marriage! I’m going to love the shit out of my wife and shes going to love the shit out of me, and we will have kids and be happy.”

Just. Rip. My. Heart. Out.

I remember when I met Devin, I also wrote a lot back then the way I do now. There was a blog post that although is gone forever (thanks myspace, you asshole) I will never forget what it said. I talked about how Devin treated me so differently, and I quote “I’m going to marry this man.” I knew very early on that I wanted to marry him, that I was going to. Devin was a different man when we were young, he did all the things that no one else had ever done for me. And you know what…as much as I have ever resented him, I will never be sorry for anything we shared together. He gave me so much to learn from, and allowed me to see why settling isn’t okay. He was my first as a teenager, and its a night I won’t forget because I knew we might not last forever, but I shared that with someone I loved. I know that although I married for some of the wrong reasons, I married him with a lot of right reasons. My point in saying all this is one thing…

I talk to Paul, and a huge piece of my heart believes I am talking to my future, every time.

(I’m so glad I am alone at this given moment to ball my eyes out as oppose to right in front of him on that porch)

You know what I want?

I want kids, more than anything in this world. As a child, I was so angry at my parents for breaking up what felt like a happy life and a happy family and I swore to myself at the incredibly young age of 9 that I wouldn’t do that. I survived, but I could have been happier had I experienced a real family. I’ve always known I wanted kids. I want girls, because I didn’t grow up with boys so I don’t know how to handle them, and because I want to raise some amazing women. Me and my mother have a great relationship and I want that with a daughter. I want to listen to her talk about her dreams and be there to pick her up when she falls. I want all my pain to help better the lives of my children. The only real thing about ending up alone that terrifies me is not having that chance to be a mom, because I am incapable of settling. Because I am apparently so hard to love, or even like. If I ever have the chance, I want to marry my best friend. Not a man that just finds me pretty and adores me strictly from a romantic view, but loves me in all my facets. I want the man that laughs when I make even the crudest of jokes, or just laughs when I am laughing at absolutely nothing. I want a man that makes me smile when I don’t want to smile, or when I don’t even want to be happy. I want to be weak in the knees for this man. When he holds me, I want to feel like nothing matters. I want to feel like the only woman in the world in his eyes when he looks at me. He can look at the little hot thing in the grocery store, just come home to me and I be the one you still want to look at. Be my rock, my best friend, the father to my children, my everything and I swear I will spend my days doing the same for you. I need a man that makes me so selfless, because it makes me feel alive and compassionate and like a good person.

This is true to face value what I have always wanted, and I have found it in Paul.

To know I can’t have what I once thought wasn’t even in existence is enough to slowly kill me.

On top of all this, to hear what he wants and to feel like I am all those things, it’s hard. It’s even harder to think that I do feel I am these things, but the possibility that he doesn’t think I am. It hurts to feel that I am not enough for the person that feels like everything to me. If I was given the chance, I would make it my priority to show him how I am all those things. Hell, I do it in ways without even trying to – the love I have just oozes out of me at times.

I’ve never loved so deeply, for so long, without getting something back in return.

And that’s just it, I get a lot in return. I get this amazing friendship that feels like a relationship without the romance. How do you turn your back on that?

I have decided that when I finish my transfer credits at the community college, which is about 2 years away, that I will re-evaluate things. If I feel exactly how I feel today, I will run. I will move away and try to start over, go somewhere that no one knows me. I will run as far away as I can because I can’t hurt like this forever. I can’t love someone that doesn’t want me. I can’t torture myself with his presence if he indeed wants nothing of me.

Something that I don’t think he understands is that it would make a world of a difference to just know why. Sometimes a small part of me believes that maybe he lies through his teeth. What I mean is I know in any world hes not ready to be with someone because of what his life is at the moment. He knows me well enough that I’m stubborn and can be persistent, so what if he just lied about how he feels to try and allow me to be free? I absolutely see him as a person that could say “what is meant to be will be, and I’m not going to tell her how I feel because I don’t want her waiting around for me”. But what he doesn’t understand is that that action is just as damaging, if that is what he was doing. I feel out of touch with reality because of these feelings. I feel like I am delusional. I could be free just in knowing that I am not crazy, that he does share a lot of the same feelings but that this is the wrong time and place. I could also sleep at night if I knew exactly why he doesn’t feel the same for me…so that’s what I am going to do. I’m going to ask him why I am not enough. I once asked Devin to tell me truthfully if he thought I was still atttractive and to give me nothing but the truth, and he told me he liked me better when I was smaller. It helped me see why he was not right for me anymore, and it helped me move on. I need pain to move on. I need the bottom answer, the last resort that no one wants to say.

My heart will not stop fighting for what feels like the love of my life, no matter how much my head tells me to stop.

God, please help me. Please relinquish me of this agonizing pain if there is no rhyme or reason to it.

XOXO

My Fantasy Will Kill Me, A Slow, Agonizing Death.

I think about every night I am crying my eyes out, and him being here to hold me. I imagine what it would feel like for all the love I have for him, being mutual and I crave that love to be wrapped around me.

I see him in everything I do. I want him there, I want to live and have him at my side.

I see him when I think of the moments of accomplishment waiting for me. I want my best friend right there to share my life with me. I can’t imagine wanting anything more than how he makes me feel.

I imagine a perfect world that he loves me in, and I imagine how those moments would play out because they are what I wanted in this fucked up world. This world, the one where I am not enough, sucks.

I want to do as many drugs as I can get my hands on to numb this pain, stop the continuous deterioration of this brittle heart. I feel like a terminally ill person begging to just end all efforts to keep me alive, because I have lost all will. This pain grows with every day, every week, every year.

I want to quit my job, run away. I want to run and never look back because I am a coward, and I stand before you two years later with no progress. I’m not enough of a person to have it all. I can’t be best friends with a man that makes me weak at the knees. I can’t place such a big part of my heart in a friendship that is emotionally taxing on me because I am so heartbroken over him.

I am tired of seeing things that are not real. I am quite afraid that I have lost all sense of reality, to the point that it makes me anxious and makes me want to panic.

I would give him everything just to give me this 70% of him that he will not share, a 70% that he thinks would answer all my questions and make sense of it all…and even make me feel differently. I want to just beg him for this information, because I am dying everyday I feel like this. I am falling apart, feeling insane and feeling too damaged to ever be normal.I just want to understand, and move on.

I am in love with a man that has never loved me.

I want a life with a man that has no motivation to make it to next week.

I love a man that cannot love himself.

I love a man that sees beauty and quality in every other woman but myself.

I want a man that can’t imagine wanting me.

I am a broken woman that cannot love, and cannot be loved. I can’t be anything for anyone because I will never be enough for the ones I love. I’m the awesome friend that “will find someone because I’m such a great person” yet I am never great enough for them.

I am at a level of pain that if given the choice, I would run and I would suppress him so far into my distant memory. I want to suffocate every moment with him that plays in my head, and every smile he gives me is a cut to the throat.

I love him, I want to love him, but I want to be loved more. I cannot be loved when all I want is him.

I am begging you, God, begging. Pleading. End my pain, numb my brittle heart. Pave a path that makes or breaks these feelings, so I can get back to living and find a man that sees my worth and my beauty and my wit.

I want to be loved damn it, and I’m afraid my bar is set so high because of him.

Heal me. Help me. Pray for me.

I love you Paul, but I want to love myself.

XOXO

Maybe not so soon…

How do you say good bye when the thing you want to leave is everywhere you are?
It’s been an interesting week. I decided I was going to plan a surprise party for Paul, which I was so happy to do for him. Especially since his response was so different from what I expected.

But that made the wheels turn a little in my head, and I’ve had a heavy heart since.

First I cried for 10 minutes after leaving work last night to head home to get ready for said party, because Paul had started to tell people about going to Hams with him and Adam (which Hams was the decoy to buy me time to get people to the bar to surprise him, which failed slightly because of the Hams ordeal) and Paul hadn’t asked me to go. Now, in normal land I would have been whatever about it because he sees me all the time. But the idea of him not even inviting me to what he thought was his birthday bash, and here I am the ring leader of his surprise party. Plus i was deprived of food and overdosing on caffeine, which never helps my anxiety. But I got myself pretty, got to the bar and waited.

I’ve never seen Paul as happy as I had seen him last night, and for me that speaks volumes. I’ve seen Paul happy but never have I seen him like this. I personally could have and wanted to cry from it, because why was he this happy? I did this. I pulled off a surprise for him and it was a much bigger deal to him than I ever anticipated. I think i’m just so used to doing things for him that are I guess in the oh so thoughtful category, and sure he’s happy but he’s all “im a shell so this doesn’t really matter”. Which is fine, because he’s Paul and I still love him for that. I don’t do it for myself, I do it because I just want to. Because I care. Because as much as it pains me to see him hurting or angry, it brings me an enormous amount of joy to see him happy. This is probably the most genuine emotion I have seen in him, and it’s an amazing thing to see someone in a raw form. To be able to do something that brings down some of their walls and allows them to just FEEL. I do however, wish I had more walls.

This man hugged me more than I could count, and that’s insane considering it’s usually seldom enough that I remember each one. I take what I can get. One thing that really almost poked a hole in my heart a little is when he came out to my car to be like “hey of course you can go to hams”, because after saying all that he said I love you. Now…I am not insane. I am fully aware that he does not mean it in the way I wish he would. I am seeing his actions for exactly what they are and nothing more. But I had to be an asshole with an asshole response like “im sure you do” because I would have cried right then and there if I said I loved him too. I can’t. I can write it but saying it is like a dagger to my chest unless I am really drunk…then I feel nothing. And I couldn’t say it back to him because of how genuinely he was saying it to me, as far as loving me as his friend. He meant it. But I still wish he meant it the way I mean it. While we are at it…I wish he looked at me the way I look at him. I wish when I walked in a room, he paused the way I do when we meet eyes. I make silly faces when we pass each other to look like a normal moron instead of a Paul crazy moron. And just to top the crazy cakes description, I’ll say this. I have had moments where I very much feel like I am being looked at as potentially someone he is with. Strangers often assume we are together. And unfortunately, in my heart and my head, it’s humbling to a) know that I am not totally insane in what I see and b) to feel how that would feel for even 5 minutes. Marriage baggage moment: I am not someone that belongs to anyone. I never was someone that operated in a partnership, but a dictatorship. I have trust issues that run down to the core of my being, and it has single handedly tried to destroy my life. It has to a degree succeeded. I didn’t want a partnership until I did, and it was too late to have that with my ex. I was never proud to say I was married, never mind say I was married to Devin. I never felt proud to show off my husband in public. Boyfriend, maybe. But marriage was nothing but awful. When it comes to Paul, I belong. In my heart I could belong to him. I could go to a bar with him, have a stranger ask me if we are together and look at them with pride saying “yep, he’s mine”. Something I admired about Paul from what I want to call the divorce chronicles (the many WEOH nights that I coaxed him out to when all our coworkers would go out because I wanted to shoot pool and get to know more about him for months) is how he interacts with people. My ex was very reserved, quiet and shy. Paul can talk to anyone, and everyone. He can certainly hold a conversation and operates well in social settings, and being as anxiety ridden as I am I can appreciate that trait. It’s incredibly attractive to me, which I have found I tend to go for the very perhaps introverted but intellectual and great with people type. I felt like I threw a surprise for someone I was dating, obviously partly because of all these awful feelings I harbor but also the fact that he basically knew as soon as he realized what had been planned was, that he knew I was definitely behind it in some way shape or form. He just knew and I know he did because of his response when he realized everything. I’ve never done this for anyone else.

What’s sad is all that isn’t even the cherry to the cake. He started talking to this odd fellow named Kenny at the bar, and I talked to Kenny a bit when Paul walked inside. Later on Kenny walks up to us both, and he says “this is a good woman you have with you”. I smiled and laughed, saying thank you, I am a good woman! Paul responds with “you know Kenny? In 31 years, no one has ever cared as much as she does. She’s the best”. He says things like this, and I just crumble and fall at the seams. He told me that his ex never made him feel this special on his birthday, only I have done that. And I’m supposed to let go.

When will this end.

This is Good Bye.

There is no easy way to say good bye.

I’ve been deep in thought for a few weeks, getting into my own head too much.

I’ve decided this is good bye.

I have spent the last 1 1/2 years trying to make myself a person that I thought I needed to be, or should be, and becoming erratically miserable by the idea of it not happening. And all I am doing is making it impossible to embrace myself.

I feel guilty for giving into what my gut wants me to do because my brain decides that I am on a different path. But what if that just isn’t so? One of the biggest reasons I am saying good bye is because of what this blog has become. I wanted this to be a well rounded page full of all of my expeditions, and instead it is flooded with so much pain caused by many things – but the major topic being men. I can’t be THIS Alexis anymore, and it’s in my hands to change.

I refuse to delete this blog, because without history we cannot learn anything. I don’t delete posts, but I move on from them. I use them as a reference to my past problems, and to get a glimpse of my very mental being at that time. At the same time, I have a tendency to wash my hands clean of something when I feel I cannot shake it.

This is good bye.

My new blog is alexisaurusrex13.wordpress.com, come join me on my new path.

XOXO

I just want you.

Laying in bed flipping through whatever on my phone, a song strikes my attention that plays.

It’s a song that brings you to mind. No real reason why, but it gets me every time.

I stop dead in my tracks, and my mind goes blank. 

I lay here wishing someone was here to hold me, someone to hold. I miss the warmth, the comfort of rolling over to a strong body next to me. You, I could lay in bed for centuries with. 

I could wake up smiling, give you a thousand good mornings and feel the same fresh breathe of air I felt the day I realized how much I love you. 

You are the breathe of air I needed to come up for. I spent many days, many agonizing hours drowning in my own doubt and hurt. 

You’re the only person I fight tooth and nail for, the only person I never stop believing in. I never stop seeing what makes you laugh, cry, or act out in anger. I take you for all your phases, forms and pieces. I love all your shades of grey and the color you shed when you want to. 

You’re the only person I cannot stop loving, and the only person that causes me so much pain to love. My heart, it physically feels worn and tired aching as if it’s bled for years. 

I just want you, and I’ll never have you. 
XOXO