Save yourself or sink with your ship to save everyone else, is the question.

What is a Captain to do?

I’m in a very fragile state these days. I’ve never been unable to handle any level of change, until now. I don’t like change, but I’ve always been capable. The idea of letting go of toxic people, or letting go of everything kills me. Perhaps, I’m hoarding any people I have because I cannot afford to be more alone.

I am in love with my best friend, whom is giving up on himself over some mistakes he’s made in the past. Everyone at work comes to me to tell me they notice he’s not doing well, like I am the keeper of all things Paul. One of my best friends doesn’t see what I see. I let drugs blind me to who my sister truly was, an amazing person when she was sober. She had more reasons to be an addict, practically handed the pills by doctors because of her illness. And I’m not seeing a lot of her, in him. I always have seen him for who he is, when sober. I’ve gone through my bout of needing to be high, quite often. It’s blinded me to who he really is…he is my sister. He is an amazing human being when sober. He cares and has a huge heart, a heart of gold. He makes me laugh like no one else, and will not hesitate to be at my side when I cry even over nothing. He’s there. But when he is the fucked up Paul I know, he’s my sister. He’s negative, hating the world. I know he doesn’t want to die, most addicts don’t actually want to die. But they do, many of them do. I don’t see a smile when he comes into work, fucked up. The Paul I love, is gone the moment the drugs take over. And that is a painful thing to watch, me personally. It’s reliving every night I locked myself in my room to avoid her, because unlike paul, she became violent when she was high enough. I don’t know how much I can handle.

I want to save him. I wish I could say all the right things, and he hear me. But nothing I say registers. He wants someone like flight attendant, a bible bearing Jesus lover to tell him how to be better. Yet this is a person that would never accept him for all his flaws, as I have. I have shown him so much mercy, coming from a history of hating drugs and hating the people that do them. I opened my mind for someone that is more than an addict. But he doesn’t understand that I don’t come from a friend standpoint, but someone that loves him. So deeply. If he was nothing but a friend to me, I wouldn’t try so hard. But he’s not. And he knows that. And a lot of me wants to believe that maybe he is abusing my feelings for his own benefit, to have a great friend at his side for the wrong reasons. A friend, at the least, doesn’t do that to someone. I’m afraid of my own feelings for him, of what they will do if I cut him loose. He is the reason for many events in my life, or at least played a huge part. I’m not good at letting go of people, good or bad. Because I need people, period.

Pray for my dear friend. He needs some kind of faith, uplifting prayers to maybe pull him through. At the end of the day, he has to make a choice. But pray, because no one prayed for my sister.

XOXO